im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
