god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
