I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
