my phone needs a breathalizer
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I want a musical about memes.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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