Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize