I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
