He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize