I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
