My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
