So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
