Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
