I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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