As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
