i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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