I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
