good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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