There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
