I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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