I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
