Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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