Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
