WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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