I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
