i think my tv is drunk
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
