I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
