does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
