Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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