i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
