i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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