According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
