New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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