I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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