Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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