2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
