birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
