maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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