We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
