But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Success! We fucked roommates!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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