I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
