I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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