Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
