her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
