you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my shit smells like andre
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
