no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize