mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
