It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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