I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
