I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
zippers are such a cool invention
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
