Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize