My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
