Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm always down for nudity.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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