I wannas sexs uuuuu
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
