today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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