I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
