My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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