i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize