just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
