She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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