**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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