can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
