i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize