I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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