he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
