Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I love black thongs
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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