So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Randomize
