You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
