How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Buhtt sex?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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